The hard thing about adulting
Last week, I had a call with an old friend – a close former colleague. He told me he was about breaking up with the mom of his child. It hit me hard.
I start to wonder whether in the next decade, I will see some of my friends divorcing, or facing serious problems in their life, as I’m getting to my 30s.
In my 20s, I knew what to say when a friend asks me about a guy, wondering whether he was the one. I would say, ‘well, if he makes you sad, he is not the right one for you’. Giving up seem to be the wisest decision. In your 20s, dating is fun, like an open bar. There are a lot of choices, there are hope. This one is not the right one, maybe the next one will be, or the one after. Don’t settle down until you meet the right one, don’t lower your expectations. You are young, and free.
Then, time passing, people get engaged in serious relationships, get married, have children.
When my friend tells me about leaving his girlfriend, I don’t know what to say. I cannot tell him ‘oh, she is just not the right one, but no worry. Things are hard right now but you will meet the one soon’.
Because she is not just his ten-year-girlfriend. She is the mother of his child. They went through so many things together. It’s just not about an innocent relationship, it’s about a lifetime decision. It is not only about his life, her life, but also about their child’s present and future.
In your 20s, when we break up with someone, it’s about not seeing him, not calling him anymore, and maybe to move out, looking for a new apartment by your own.
Now, it will be about sharing the house you bought together, the mortgage you are having together, making a compromise about who will keep the child, who will watch for him in which day of the week. And in many case, you will have to hire a lawyer, go to the court, for months, or even for years.
He told me, ‘I’m 33 now, then 34, 35 years old soon. A 35-year-old single guy, with a kid, it will not easy, you know?’, and I understand him. In your 30s, most of your peers are married, or divorced, and have children. Your next relationship will not only about feeling in love, having the butterflies in your stomache anymore. It will also be about someone who accepts your kids, that your kids accept, and about you being able to deal with their kids. Things will be so much more complexe.
They met in high school, he was the nerd chubby boy, she was the pretty girl, they fell in love. Time passes, things change. He’s become a sportive, independent guy with a good job. She is still a naive girl who is searching for her way. They are going more and more in separate directions. Financially speaking, the gap is important.
A few years ago, he once told me about whether he should stay or not. They had few commun interests, she was dependant on him, financially and emotionally, and he felt to have all the weight on his shoulder.
Then, one or two years later, they welcomed their first child. Things seemed to get better. They found again a commun interest: their kid.
But as their son grows up, with the pandemic, the maternity leave, she is kind of being lost again. They are getting more and more apart. The same problems arise, once more, but this time, much more serious.
So, if you are in your 20s, and are wondering about a relationship, my advice for you, is to be brave.
Be brave to take it seriously. Don’t waste your time in relationship “for fun”.
If you see a problem, be brave to face it, to deal with it and fixe it. Nor time, nor a wedding, nor a child will erase your problem in a miraculous way.
Then if you tried and things don’t get better, be brave to leave. Don’t waste your time juste because you think you have a lot of time ahead. Believe me, your 20s will fly so fast.
And this is also true for boys.
Some years ago, my big brother sent me a video of Meg Jay about why the 30 is not the new 20. I didn’t understand, at all.
Lately, I rewatch her talk, things seem cristal clear for me. She was right. Your 30s are not your 20s. Most of your biggest life decisions are done by the age of 35: your career, your partner, whether or not having children.
I’m not the type of person who wants to interfere in others’ life. I’m not someone who thinks girls should be married by 25 (or 30) and have kids before 30 (or 35). My favorite advice for my friend is ‘you know best want to do’. I also think we rather should be alone than to be with the wrong person. I don’t think that having children is the ultimate reason of our existence, I don’t believe in maternal instinct.
But lately, I started to worry for my (girl) friend who is in her 30s and is still looking for love. I know that most of the guys of our age are already settle down. She will have less and less options, and more and more responsibility.
I start to understand why my mother rushed me so hard to get married some years ago and my parents ask me every time we talk about when we will have a child. It’s because they care for me, they are longing for me to choose the right person, to do the right thing. They are afraid that the more time flies, the older and weaker they will become, and one day, they won’t be there to help me anymore. There are things that are irreversible, sometimes, something bad.
But despite all the pressure from my parent, I took my time. My schedule has usually some years of delay compared to theirs. When my mom was so tired of urging me to get married that she started to say ‘well, if you don’t want to get married, no big deal. But think about having children, that’s all matter’, then I started to think about getting married.
I know that the 20s is stressful. I know that in your 20s, there are a lot of things to worry about: choose your university, find your career path, figure out who you are, what you want, who you want to be with. At the same time, you have almost nothing: no money, no experience. School, job, social activities, friends, then dating, etc. So many things to do.
If it was possible, I would not want to return back to my 20s. If it was to do it again, I’m not sure that I’d do better.
I’m not sure telling a twenty-something all what Meg Jay says will help. Because personally, I didn’t understand what she meant. Because, telling someone who is facing a choice and don’t know what to do that their decision is crucial, that doesn’t help. Because, you have to live it to know whether it was a good choice.
But I will still tell you what I think. Maybe, it can help. Even if this help one single person, it’s worth being told:
Finally, I think it’s never too soon to get mature, to be responsible. My friend’s girlfriend should have done it sooner. To be responsible for her life, to be independent, to face and overcome her fear. My friend, also, would have made the right choice sooner. Having a child together didn’t resolve their problem, it juste delayed it.
However, regretting the past doesn’t help either. It’s never too late to change. That hard decision they would have made in their 20s, probably now, it’s time for them to take, in their 30s. Ten years from now, when they look back, they might be thankful for what they are going to do now…